Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'll think about it tomorrow (just not today)

Today, Peanut paused in her play after lunch, abandoning her books and curled up on the floor with her lovey bunny. Seeing her lying there, I put aside the items I was tidying and got down on the floor with her, curling my body tightly around hers. Her head tucked up under my chin and body in a little ball in the curve of my hips and thighs, my arm rising and falling with her breath, the words of yesterday's appointment raced through my head.

... fine motor skills between seven and ten months...


... language and communication skills showing cause for concern...


... significant percentile drop in weight...


I want to shout - can't you see how beautiful she is? Can't you see how charming, how happy, how lovely? What does it matter if she hasn't said a word yet? She waves! She smiles! What does it matter that she only chews her toys, and can't stack a block? She "reads" her books! She crawls! So what if she's petite? She's dainty!

Today I curled my body around hers, holding back tears and struggled with my feelings of failure. Perhaps if my body - if I - hadn't failed her in my pregnancy, then she would not have these new obstacles to overcome. This guilt a great leaden weight in the pit of my stomach.

I know that others have larger struggles, great difficulties, and this is not a sentence by any means. I know that this is precisely what these appointments are for, to identify any potential "issues" early so that we can tackle them head on. And I know how lucky we are to have this program available to us.

Tomorrow I will recover - will get on with it - and we will buckle down and start working on the items as laid out by the team. Tomorrow my positive outlook and optimism will rebound. But today I want only to tuck her in my arms close to my heart (oh, my aching heart), where milestones don't matter and I have the power to kiss her troubles away.


Her smile - worth more than a thousand mamas or dadas.

26 comments:

Mouse said...

I think it's very important to allow yourself a little time to feel all those emotions and dwell just a bit on it--and then "get on with it."

From another mother whose child's problems aren't huge, but have been the origin of some very similar moments.

Don Mills Diva said...

This post made me well up because I have been there. Turns out my son is fine - he caught up and he is perfect. So is your daughter. Exactly the way she is. Trust.

crazymumma said...

Yeah, we all have our concerns, but this is yours, and our concerns do not invalidate the speciallness of yours.

I know how you feel. littlegirl was a concern for the doctors at about age 2 because she was, and still is exeptionally petite and light. Her words did not come quickly either. She was very different from bigirl.

But now she is where she should be, but will always be small physically (someone has to be...).

As to how you failed her in pregnancy? Remind me, because I do not remember this part of the story....

And she is more than perfect. trust your gut. And remember that doctors did not always have those baby charts to measure out their idea of 'normal'.

write me if you want ok?

Mac and Cheese said...

She looks perfect to me.

Candygirlflies said...

She's absolutely beautiful, BB... Beautiful.

love to you both xo CGF

Magpie said...

She's adorable.

naomicatgirl said...

Feel what you do, don't worry about your emotions. Then, move on, and do what you need to.

I just went back to remind myself how old she is, and I think she's about the same age as my little boy (14 months?)

All kids develop at their own pace. And you know your child better then anyone else.

slouching mom said...

oh, hon. i'm sorry to hear this. but i'd bet you money that she's really just perfect. she's simply beating to her own drummer.

flutter said...

she looks pretty flawless from over here.

painted maypole said...

oh. not all kids hit the milestones at the same time.

be gentle with yourself, and her. keep her happy, and not pressured, as you seek to strengthen her gifts.

jen said...

i think she's perfect, you lovely mama, you.

nomotherearth said...

You didn't "fail" her. No.

And for the record, the Boy has been behind o every milrstone so far.

Each kid is different.

SciFi Dad said...

Try to remember that identifying concerns isn't the same as having problems. While it is scary, and can make you worry and feel guilty, it doesn't have to. (Don't misunderstand; I am not telling you how to feel. I am just saying you don't have to feel the way you're feeling.)

These are, for severe lack of a better term, warnings for them, they who supposedly know better than parents about children. Just because they expect something from your daughter now doesn't mean that when she provides it to them in a month's time that anything will be wrong. She's just off their schedule right now, so they are getting their ducks in a row if she continues to be off their schedule.

For now, try to keep doing exactly what you're doing. It seems to be working fine from where I am standing.

Julie Pippert said...

Your worries are yours, and I think it's better to blow them like a bubble and let them float away (or pop them) than try to ignore or invalidate them.

You'll figure out what to do, if anything is necessary. I believe you; you'll leave bridges over there, to be crossed if you get to them.

And she is beautiful.

Julie
Using My Words

mamatulip said...

Tomorrow is tomorrow. It's a day away.

Enjoy today with your beautiful daughter. Live each minute with her.

Lisa b said...

She's a cutie!
Those appointments are torture for the mothers.
She is all the things you love her for and more and you have in no way failed her.
It gets better with time, I hear from my friends, whose 26,27 and 28 weekers are now 2, 4 and 5 and kicking ass. ( so lucky my circle of friends aren't we?)
hugs my dear are all I can offer.

Aliki2006 said...

Of course she's perfect, but of course you have these feelings. I can relate so well, you know.

For what it's worth, T. is only 26 pounds at almost four. She's had almost every test done to attempt to discover why she's so petite and, well, it seems she's just petite.

It's hard not to worry...

cinnamon gurl said...

What a cutie! The others have said what I would, except they've said it from experience...

(Oh -- and on redheads and where it comes from...it's *supposed* to skip generations, so I wasn't supposed to have one, or so I thought...)

wheelsonthebus said...

Yours is a totally undertandable and healthy reaction. You are completely justified in processing your emotions prior to buckling down and helping her out.

Emily R

Beck said...

My Baby was a big worry for us for her first year and a half - she was under the first percentile, didn't walk, was slow to hit all of the markers. Not only was I terribly worried for her, but I was also almost crippled with guilt - what had we done to our baby, our beloved girl? And in the end, I found out that I was brave enough to deal with what we needed to deal with, evne with the sadness and the fear. It's a path, from there to here and you don't know how you'll deal with walking it until you're on it.

Rachel said...

She is beautiful.
My first child was off the charts big from 3 months on and way advanced and still is.
My second, Monkey. Is almost 15 months and only 21 pounds. He babbles, but there are no real words. Every visit to the pediatrician leaves me wondering what I did wrong this time? Why is my child so small? Why did he have to fight so hard those first few months just to survive? My body failed me during his pregnancy, did it fail him too?
I feel your pain. Thank you for speaking the words of my heart.
She is beautiful and she is the dream of your heart come to life. We take them as they are, and they are perfect for us and for them. Maybe they just work on their own timeline... screw the doctor's they say in their little minds :-)
i fully believe God makes no mistakes and we just have to wait to see what these little ones have to teach us.

Kyla said...

I heard the same sort of thing about a year and a half ago. It has been a long year for us, but it has been wonderful, too. It is a long story. KayTar is in therapy, things are improving. I know it is scary, worrisome, but whatever the outcome it can be beautiful, too. And that smile, that smile IS worth a thousand mamas or dadas.

caramama said...

She is beautiful! And I think it's important to take the time to feel what you feel, and curl up with your lovely little girl and love her for who she is. You did not fail her, and your love for her is apparent to all of us and I'm sure her!

Good luck with the tomorrows. We will be here for you tomorrow and after.

kgirl said...

where'd my comment go? thought i left one the other day.

anyway, the gist of it was that perfect comes in many varieties, and she is definitely one of them.

she's truly a beauty. enjoy every minute.

ewe are here said...

She's beautiful! Just look at her! You know her, and you'll know what she needs.

Hugs.

DaniGirl said...

Isn't it funny (or maybe sad) how many of us use the "but it could be so much worse" coping mechanism - but that just minimizes what's a very real issue.

Please don't blame yourself for any of this... that was the most heartbreaking part of this post for me.

And, she is gorgeous!

DaniGirl

 

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